ohmystarrs i feel horrible.
i can feel myself steadily increasing in the area of depression. i can't think of a better way to word that right now.
i think my mom's right, that i'm bipolar (as in bipolar disorder a.k.a. manic depression). it's just an up and down roller coaster for me.

i think it's everything. today's just been a horrible day, in what's been a few horrible months. oh sure, i've had my happy times. doesn't everyone?

my mom's driving me insane. she doesn't even bother to try and talk to me. she knows how i feel about Mike and everything. so she's playing favourites with Dori. but now she doesn't even bother to call to talk to Dori. and she's been in and out of the hospital again.. and again.. seven times since september-ish. oh, and now i found out she's doing cocaine fairly regularly. my mother the crack addict.
and then i had that lovely conversation with my gramma last night, only to find out that i was nearly aborted. not exactly the kind of thing people like to hear, believe me you.
i got called retarded for taking a stand AGAINST homosexuality. on some random site. don't you just love that?
Josh promised to call me tonight. and then left me a message on MSN saying that he didn't feel like calling so he'd call me tomorrow. and of course, i'm busy tomorrow. don't you just love having a boyfriend who won't give you the time of day when you feel like crap and he knows it, after you broke up with him a week ago complaining that you never talked anymore?

i guess i just feel lonely. i can feel all this building inside of me and i know i have to let it out somehow. or else, i'll get back off this roller coaster puking my guts out, and then just get back on this sick and vicious cycle. i don't want to cut again. i hate that feeling. i hate hiding it. i hate feeling so ASHAMED. i hate feeling like there's nothing else i can do about it. i hate feeling like no one's listening to me.

i'm petrified of being alone.

somedays i think i'm crazy. like honestly crazy. i think i have a problem with my imagination. like, i think up all these stories in my head, and after a while they sit there in my subconscious until i believe they're real.

i've had this playing over and over in my head: i was about 6 or 7 years old, and my mom dropped me off at home. she started yelling at my gramma, telling her she wanted custody of me and she'd take it to court. and then i remember her walking into my room and asking me why i never wanted to live with her. and i hid. so she screamed at me "I HATE YOU!"

but i talked to my gramma, and she doesn't remember this. i wonder if it ever happened. my gramma said it's possible, but there's been a lot of fights and she can't remember them all. but i wonder, if it was just the feelings i had. that my mom hated me. and that i imagined this all up. and it's so close to reality, that it became real to me.

i'll admit, i'm scared. i can guarantee that no one will read this all. it's too much for people. no one wants to admit the truth. they'd rather ignore it. like the Parable with the Good Samaratin. i don't know what to do.